In a funk.

Yeah, this is one of those boring, no-pictures, emotional dump kind of posts. Sorry about that. However, you have been warned, so if you continue reading, it's your own fault... :)

The past few days have been.... interesting. I blame it on being a girl mostly, and we all know what that means, but I can't help but feel like something else is going on. Basically this whole funk started on Friday when my sister was texting me about how she and our mom were talking about what to do over Christmas and then they realized how Nick and I wouldn't be there.

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Side note: Nick and I have already decided that going home for Christmas would be too much of a hassle. Of course we want to see family, but we realize that taking a week off of work would cost us a lot of money that we could use towards our wedding and Nick's grad-school auditions. Plus, the fact that I work in retail means I pretty much need to be around til Christmas Eve and even after Christmas is busy. We are also going home in May to be around til the wedding in July, so we'll get a lot of time at home even if we aren't home for the holidays.

Back to my sister texting me. Like I said, Nick and I had already decided that we weren't going home and I had accepted this fact, but of course I decided to do something really smart and look online at plane tickets. I searched flights leaving the 23rd and the 24th and coming back around the 30th, and I found really decent prices.... woops!

So I get the thought in my mind that maybe we could make this work! And of course my mom offers to pay for one, so now Nick and I would only have to pay half of a ticket each. Easy! Doesn't Nick have PTO??? Yes! Except I find that he actually already used it for our trip in the summer.... dang. I'm a little put out.. and of course I have a melt-down that night. I really haven't been home sick since we came back from our trip in July, and I really still feel fine, but I'm hating this whole idea of being far away from family. Growing up kinda sucks sometimes. I'm really fine with being far away for the most part, but that's also because for the past few years I've had a trip home every few months with summers and Christmas breaks. Last Christmas was my last actual break. Now if I want to go home, it means getting time off of work and staying for a week instead of a month or more. I also just hate the fact that I have to miss Christmas with my family. I haven't been home for a Thanksgiving in a few years now, but I've always made it for Christmas. It's my absolute favorite time of year, and it's the one time our whole entire family, cousins and all, are together again. We all grew up together so we've always been pretty close, and I love seeing them and their now spouses. Family is so important, and no matter how crazy they can be, they're family.

So the rest of the weekend goes by, and now I just feel exhausted. I'm exhausted physically from working a double with both jobs on Saturday and then a full day on Sunday, trying to catch up on sleep from only getting 4 hours Friday night, so I don't think that helps anything, but I'm emotionally exhausted from thinking about missing my family and trying to figure out what's best. Honestly, I know what's best, but now it seems there's a way to make it work, and yes, Nick and I would both miss out on work (and money), but somehow that's worth it to me. I even offered to pay for the whole ticket for Nick and I, but Nick is still thinking it's not a good idea. Why do men have to have so much common sense? I mean, seriously? He tells me he doesn't care if I go home by myself, but there is no way in hell I'm leaving him here by himself for Christmas. I really could do Christmas with him anywhere, and I know we can have a great first Christmas together, but I just can't let this go. And once again, Nick had the entire weekend off while I work, and I have today off while he works tonight. I have a day off tomorrow from one place, but of course I'm scheduled at my other job, and so I won't see Nick til 9:30. The next 4 days we also work opposite work schedules, and it really sucks. It's times like these where I wish we had just moved home. I feel like things would have been a little easier. All of this gets a little overwhelming at times, and I'm so grateful for where we live and the jobs we have (I couldn't ask for a better job or better people to work with), and I really am OK with where we are in life at the moment, but for some reason, I'm wishing we could just say, "screw it" and go back to Oregon until we move for grad school.

Being in Oregon really may not make me that much happier, and I know that. If we lived in Oregon, we wouldn't be able to see all of our friends, and living in Decatur allows us that. This stage in life is so weird, though. We're both graduated and have the world at our feet, but it's hard not to feel a little stuck. We have plans of course, and getting married is one of the most important ones to me right now and I am focusing on that, but it's hard to know what's next, even though the not knowing thing is part of what I love so much. It's the feeling that anything is possible. If you know me, though, you know that I'm a worrier and can get anxiety about the tiniest thing, and not having control over something is a big one for me. This whole thing feels like that. I'm here and I can't change that, and I can't change the fact that I don't know where we'll be next year. Somehow I feel like if I knew where we would be next year (possibly closer to family if in San Francisco!) I would feel better about all of this not-going-home-for-Christmas stuff.

So there ya have it, my over-emotional self in all its glory. I'll feel better as the week goes on, but right now, I'm still a little out of sorts. Doesn't help that Nick had to go into work for a few hours. Thankfully, I have my pumpkin cheesecake setting in the fridge to look forward to, and it will be done in perfect time for him to be home :)