The waiting game.

If you haven't noticed, I haven't been posting lately.

I'm in one of those "funks" again. This post is mainly for me to get things off my chest, so if you don't read it, that's fine. It's just a little of what is going on at the moment in my little life.

So, I don't know about you, but I hate waiting. Not waiting in the sense of waiting for someone you are meeting for lunch, or before a Dr.'s appointment, or waiting for someone to get ready (I mean, I keep Nick waiting on that end on many occasions... whoops), because that all happens and while we don't always like it, it's really not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. No, I'm talking about waiting for something to come that you know will come, but have no idea of the details or what things will look like or how you'll take them on. Things that you have been thinking about for quite some time (try, over a year), and you know you just need to be patient and everything will work itself out, but you just can't stand it anymore.

That's kinda how I'm feeling. And for an anxious person like myself, this is no bueno. As you know, Nick applied for graduate schools. We honestly could be finding out about that any day now, but I hate  that we still have to wait. And some schools don't get back to you right away, sot hat's even more  annoying. But it's not just that. This whole year has sort of been a waiting period. Even if we had moved back home to be closer to family, it still would have been that way. Although, at least we would have been around family. We're living in a place that was great for college, but not our ideal spot for living. It's ok obviously, because I love my job and it's given me and will give me more opportunities after we move, but it's still Decatur. There isn't enough here to keep me happy. We're living here because it just kind of made sense because it's not that expensive and we can have our own space, and that's great. But it is so hard not to think about what's next. We really could find out any day about what's next, what with his answers from schools coming, but even after that, it's still very uncertain. If school doesn't work out for him, do we still move to Chicago? Do we go back home for a year and regroup ourselves and be close to family for that time? Do we move somewhere else so I could be a co-manager or manager?

But we can't even know half of that stuff until we get his school stuff squared away, and even then it will be a little up in the air. And it's not even just that. I'm also trying to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life, and while there is still time, all I can think about is the fact that we'll be married and if I do go to grad school the next year, I'll be 27 by the time I get out, and then was it really worth it because I will probably want to have babies and there is no way I am having babies and trying to audition for young artist programs and whatnot, so then was the masters really worth it? Well of course it would be, because I would be furthering my voice! But maybe I should just stick with The Limited. It's a great company and I could be a manager somewhere next year probably and be making a steady salary and on and on and on and on and on my mind goes.

But all I can do is wait. Wait for time to unfold and wait for things to come. I really do believe that everything happens for a reason, and there is some sort of a big picture for our lives. I think I know what I need to do deep down, I just don't know if I'm ready to believe it or accept it. I know in my heart that I will see clearly what I should be doing, and although that hasn't come to me yet, I know that it will. Eventually.

But, oh, I hate that eventually part. I just want to plan things, and it's so hard for me to not really have anything planned out. I mean, I have outlines of plans for our lives, but nothing more than that. Nothing that can't be edited or shifted around. 

Lately I feel like this has been wearing down on me. Mainly, I think the 2 jobs thing is really getting to me just because my schedule is so full and I rarely have a full day off. I never have two days off in a row unless I make sure to request a weekend off from both places to do something (which we are this weekend), but it usually involves more of the lack of sleep thing because I just want to have some fun, ya know? This whole cold weather is really getting to me, too. I mean, it's March, and it's now deciding to snow. Really? I almost feel like warm weather will never come, haha. I know that's not true, but if you were here you'd be feeling the same way. It really feels like an endless winter.

So we continue to wait. Wait for Spring and warmer weather (which seems to bring more optimism, don't you think?), wait for the letters that will determine the next two years for Nick and myself, wait to get married, wait to move the hell out of Decatur... I am so excited for all of these things! But it's hard not to get a little frustrated. I know that everything will become clearer as time goes on, even in the next 2 months it will, but right now it's hard to see through every single little possibility that I like to imagine and re-imagine in my head. Ugh. Sometimes I wish I could just turn my mind off every once in awhile! I would definitely sleep better!

I am thankful for this time, though. I am thankful that the first year Nick and I have lived together has gone so so well. It honestly felt so natural, and it makes me so happy and even more confident that he is the one for me and that we will have a happy life together. And I am thankful for the experience I'm getting at my job and (although it sounds cheesy) in life in general. This has been a learning year for both Nick and I, and I feel even more certain we can take on anything that comes our way. And as long as I'm with Nick, I will be home, and I will be happy, and that is all that matters. So I will think of these things, and be thankful, and wait with an optimistic heart.